10 things NOT to ask a pregnant woman

A fascinating thing happens when a woman becomes pregnant. She places a giant target on her tummy, inviting comments from the entire peanut gallery of society.

I know most people mean well -- there just aren't that many tactful remarks in the reservoir when talking to a woman who looks ready to deliver, at any minute, something weighing seven or more pounds. Beyond "You look great!" or "Boy, you carry small" (two compliments I can't get enough of, even if they're vicious lies), most comments degenerate to the size of your belly, the size of your family, or the size of your sanity to handle so many children.

Here are the Top 10 doozies, all of which I've heard during the course of my pregnancies. Stay away from them. Stay away from pregnant women in general. We're emotional, we're overheating in 30-degree weather, and if you say something insensitive we just might clobber you with our diaper bag.

1. "Are you pregnant?"
Well, yes, it seems that way most of the time. But sometimes I am not, I just had a baby six months ago, and I'm still learning how to rework these abdominal muscles. Or maybe I am, but goodness, I'm only three weeks along -- is it that obvious already?

2. "Are you due, like, any day now?"
No, I still have three months to go. I just carry large. (Although I have to admit there are times when I've fibbed and said, "Yeah, due any day now" just to avoid the humiliation.)

3. "Are you having twins?"
I think every expectant mother, if blessed enough to get a two-for-one deal, would volunteer this type of information. No need to ask. There are women 6 feet tall with lovely torsos that stretch from here to Alaska. But for some of us unfortunate shorties, there is nowhere to go but straight out and all around.

4. "Is this your last? How many kids ARE you going to have?"
Please, don't ask me that right now. It's all a little too real, a little too fresh. And I don't know you. You're just bagging my groceries and watching my other children climb on the conveyor belt. So today the answer is WE'RE DONE! We're even willing to give one away at this point. But tomorrow I will love them all, and might even want three more.

5. "Are you hoping for a girl/boy?"
No. We're just hoping for a baby at this point. I'm not going to throw another child into this crazy family of ours just hoping, beyond hope, that I can dress it in pink ruffles and ballet slippers.

6. "Don't you have enough kids already?"
Of course not, we're trying to build up a football team. Or a traveling acappella octet. I'm creating an army to strip the earth of its vital resources. Besides, mine all come out as fully formed angels. We just can't get enough.

7. "Are you sure you should be eating that?"
Probably not, but at this point, five doughnuts is just what I need, so back off, Buster. And pass the chocolate cake.

8. "Do you always get this big?"
Yes, through a steady diet of doughnuts.

9. "You look miserable. How do you feel?"
Terrible, and thanks for reminding me. I could give you a rundown of the insomnia, heartburn, lower back pain, sciatic nerve pain -- and that's only at night. Pull up a chair. We've got time to talk about it, this baby is never coming out!

10. "Are you crazy?"
Absolutely. Every mother must possess a healthy dose of insanity to survive this craziness. But I'm lovin' (almost) every minute of it.